Grace Unfolding - Part Eight

     Day 4 in the hospital and the 1st day after the big surgery was quiet. This was good. My husband was resting with nurses in the ICU checking on him through out the day. This day our nurse was different. The nurse who specialized in pain management had worked with us over the 3 days she was my husbands nurse and we had come to an effective medicating schedule with meds that worked and intervals of administering them that kept my husbands pain in check. I spent a few hours with my husband in the morning but then left him to rest. I was in need of clean clothes. We had packed only for a few days. That was our expectation when we were preparing for my husbands appointment that then turned into hospital admission and then to a full 8 days in the hospital. I was on day 4 of  2 days worth of clothing. Lucky for me the Inn in the hospital had a washer and dryer available for guests.
     Back in our room at the Inn I had put together a load of laundry between my sons clothes and mine and the washer happened to be free so I quickly loaded our clothes and started the wash. When I went back to check the washers progress, there in the little laundry room was the woman I had encountered a few days before at the Inn desk. She had already transferred our clothes to the dryer. I said hello and thanked her. I looked at her and she seemed so on edge and stressed. I asked her how she was doing and she replied with an almost inaudible "okay." I responded "I know things are overwhelming for you. I understand completely. I can say that things will get better, stay strong. I am able tell you this because this isn't my first time here. I've done this before, twice." I told her a little about why we were there and then put my hand on her arm and looked her in the eye and told her "You've got this." She sighed heavily and quietly said "thank you." I turned and left the laundry room. Grace unfolding.

Grace Unfolding - Part Seven

     Surgery day.  My son and I arrived in my husbands room before the flourish of activity. We had a nice talk together and gave hugs and kisses. Then it was on. The surgeon stopped in for a pre surgery visit along with his fellow. We spoke briefly and then it was time for the surgery suite transport and anesthesia docs to do their thing. We met everyone and then they were off. Wheeling my husband from his room down to the surgery suite. Surgery was short in comparison to the others and by mid day we were all back in the ICU. Early that morning I had called my mom to let her know what was happening and by early afternoon she had landed at the airport and was at the hospital to help out. She and my son took care of getting her settled in her room at the hospitals Inn. Another stroke of grace. While I went back up to the ICU to be with my husband. Things went well.
     Day 4 in the hospital and day 1 after surgery. I arrived early that morning. My husband was still asleep so I sat quietly and drank my coffee while I watched the sunrise. During this time I started praying for miracles. Just that, "Lord we need miracles". Then I stopped. I had a prodding in my heart that stopped me. I realized I wasn't praying in the right way. I shouldn't be praying directively and telling what we needed but instead be praying for courage to have active faith because in having faith, I would have endurance to wait on Him to provide us with what He already knew that we needed. So that's what I did. This is when grace fell into the place that God had already prepared.

Grace Unfolding - Part Six

     Afternoon of day 2 in the hospital was mostly uneventful as hospital stays go, except for the hurricane like weather that was going on outside. Word came later in the afternoon that my husbands surgeon who was out of state at a conference would be coming in to see him as soon as he landed at the airport. The surgeon came straight away from the airport to the hospital to meet with us and arrived in my husbands room that evening to discuss with us the course of  treatment. Which happened to be surgery first thing the next morning. Surgery that early in the week isn't typical so the importance of the surgery was made quite clear. Readying my husband for surgery the next morning was the evenings plan. We met a young, sweet nursing assistant in the process. She asked if she could tell us something and we said absolutely. She said to us this: that the feeling that she got when she came in the room from us was so tremendous that she had to tell us what she felt. She said she felt a strength and calmness from us that she had not felt before. She felt good energy and didn't want to leave the serenity that she felt in the room. She told me she could feel my strength especially and a calming presence. I thanked her and she gave me a huge hug and came away with tears in her eyes. Grace. ( I had been told this before at my husbands first surgery by the surgeons physicians assistant. She had told me that she felt an enduring strength in us and a calm that was palpable.)
     It was time for me and my son to go back to our room at the hospitals Inn. Try to sleep. The next morning would be early and it was already very late in the evening.

Grace Unfolding - Part Five

     Finding grace. In the midst of a doctors appointment turned admission to the ICU and surgery for a lumbar drain, I broke away to see if I could secure a room at the Inn at the hospital. These are rooms set aside for families of patients having surgery who are from out of town. Rarely are there any rooms available. But this time there was! Grace unfolding.
     Day two in the hospital. My husband had the same nurse again. We were visited by the case nurse who happened to be the nurse assigned to him in the ICU from his surgery a few months back that helped to get my husband healing in a way that he was able to be transferred from the ICU to the acute care floor. We gave hugs all around and then she and my husband had a conversation about PTSD. She said that she needed to hear what they had said in their talk and felt blessed to have heard that from him. We also happened to be in the same room as the last time. Grace unfolding.
     I broke away once again about mid day to see if I could secure a room at the Inn again for that night. The day before there had been a cancellation for just that night. I was able to secure a room for the next 3 nights. Grace unfolding. In the midst of this there was a woman who was very stressed behind me at the reception window of the Inn, who was also trying to secure a room. She seemed so scared and so new to this experience. I knew exactly what she was feeling. I stopped and laid my hand on her arm and told her about another hotel (the one that I and my son had stayed at before). She mentioned she didn't have a car and I informed her that they catered to the families of patients and had a shuttle. Then I told her that I knew it didn't seem like it right now but things would work themselves out. Squeezed her arm, gave her a small smile and walked away to allow her to talk with the Inn keeper. Who had just had a cancellation and she was able to stay. Grace filled.

Grace Unfolding - Part Four

     8:00 a.m. appointment with surgeon had us leaving our hotel early in the morning. Beautiful sunrise. Not an hour into the appointment and we knew that our worst fears had been confirmed. Instead of being fearful as we had been before, we had a quiet acceptance of things to come. Our strength had been tested and won twice! We were familiar with this. All of it. This time instead of praying we laid everything in His hands. Not just me this time but my husband as well. We made faith an action word, instead of proclaiming that we had faith. Rather then returning home after the appointment as we had planned, my husband was admitted to the ICU during his appointment. A not too often occurrence. We had quite a few jaws drop as we walked into the ICU ward to check in at the nurses station. One doesn't typically walk into the ICU ward. My husband would be prepped for a lumbar drain surgery that would happen that afternoon to determine a course of treatment. After checking into the ICU and being assigned a bed we learned that the nurse assigned to my husband was mastering in pain management and had done extensive studying on pain receptors. My husband has a high pain tolerance, there by lacking the normal amount of pain receptors and resulting in a very difficult time in getting the point across to his care givers with how his pain progresses from tolerable to exploding in moments. This nurse was our blessing. Grace unfolding. By the first days end, the eyes of my heart began to see this grace. To recognize it. After this first day, grace was everywhere and I could see it. Then is when the change of my heart happened and I went from striving to be a woman of grace to being a grace filled woman. Not by any doing of my own but by the simple opening of my hearts eyes and Him.

Grace Unfolding - Part Three

     A season of change. Over the past three years I have changed tremendously. The way I think has changed, the way I process things, the ways I go about living day to day. We all have changed in this family. Two life changing sequences of events in a short 3 years has a way of doing that. There's more. Yes! Can you believe it? As if two numbing, all consuming, overwhelming, life changing surgeries weren't enough.
     End of summer and the crisp evening air that welcomes in the fall season. My favorite season. The colors, the smells, warm and cozy blankets and sweaters. Warming fires. Autumn. Autumn, along with the changing colors of the leaves brought in dreadful news for us. My husband agonized on that first true day of Autumn about how he was going to come home and tell me the news that he had. I knew as soon as he walked through the door that something was up. He told me we had an appointment with his surgeon at weeks end. I felt like I'd been physically punched in the stomach and had to get outside to breathe. Deep breaths of the crisp autumn air into my lungs, trying to hold on to some sort of rational thought. I shrank into a tiny coiled sitting position on the grass at the side of the house underneath the changing leaves of our oak tree. Not long after, my husband and son came to seek me out and we all came together in a family hug, crying together. Numb. Overwhelmed.
     My husband listens to sermons when he is going to sleep. That night in his long list of listened to sermons there was one in the middle not listened to. So he listened to it. It spoke of how, when in our most worst times it seems that Christ is distant and not there. But in fact these are the times when He is closest. Reminds me of the Footprints poem. That one set of footprints in the sand aren't yours but Christ's. He is carrying you. This was the beginning of unfolding grace. Only we didn't recognize it yet. We  moved throug the week making plans for the doctors appointment at the end of the week.

Grace Unfolding - Part Two

    Journey to grace. 2012 brought our family life saving surgery for my husband. An emergency surgery that unfolded within days and had us in a state of the art Institute with a team of doctors and nurses that saved his life. None of us had a chance to really think about anything before it all took place. It was a matter of digesting as we went. Never really being able to digest much of anything in the moment but more or less moving through what was placed before us. Numb, overwhelmed and consumed by everything that was taking place left me only one place to be and that was on my knees seeking shelter in prayer. Trying to find the comfort and reassurance I felt as a child. All the while trying to fortify my heart and mind against the knowledge of the truth, that things may not go the way I'd like. The only place I found the strength needed to keep moving forward was in prayer and faith.
     The surgery came and went and 2012 moved along into 2013 and then 2014 with lots of adjustments, learning and life changes but things were looking good for us. By the beginning of 2015 we had inklings that we may be up for the surgery again. But we had hopes that we were being over sensitive and a little paranoid. By the first signs of Spring it was confirmed. We would be repeating the surgery. Quick again. Except for 3 extra days this time before the surgery. These days were sheer hell. Too much time to think. But having done this once before we moved through the 3 days with as much poise as we could muster and bolstered each other and prayed a lot. This time, although the surgery was the same, everything was very different. Again life changing. Again on my knees finding shelter in prayer and strength in faith. Again fortifying my heart and mind. Again difficult but this time more consuming difficulties. Another surgery done. The days passed by and healing came slowly. Spring changed to summer .... still healing....seeking grace.

Grace Unfolding - Part One

     Grace. What is grace? No, not the grace that you say at the dinner table but true grace. Grace by definition is this: 1.) -the exercise of love, kindness or goodwill; disposition to love, benefit or serve another.  2.) -the divine favor toward man; the undeserved kindness or forgiveness of God; divine love or pardon.  3.) -Beauty, physical, intellectual or moral; easy elegance of manors; perfection of form.
     Grace is big. It holds so much in its definition but even more so when it becomes an action. The past month has given me a whole new perspective on grace and its true meaning in action. For myself, I strive to be a woman of grace. But it's more then that. It's not about being a woman of grace. It's about being a grace filled woman. No longer striving to be a woman of grace but allowing the grace of Christ to take root in me and allowing that grace to shine through. Living that grace daily, no matter what circumstances or challenges lay before me. This is what the events of the past month have shown me. How to recognize grace as it unfolds in front of you.
     Now the story of unfolding grace.
     Some history first. 2012 brought our family some life changing events. We met these events head on and moved through them making constant adjustments. By the end of 2014 things were looking good. The beginning of 2015 brought us signs that things might not be going our way and by the first signs of Spring 2015 we knew our family would be repeating the events we lived in 2012. Bringing us to the month of April and when my writings all but ceased. Until the past few weeks I have not felt any stirrings of thoughts able to be put into words. I've been quite messy in my head and heart until now. Unfolding Grace.............