Sense From Chaos

Blank page. Fresh and white. Rectangle in shape. Clean. Orderly and empty. I have been here many times to place my thoughts and formulate things. Try to make order from a chaotic thought process. More or less numb and raw from having an onslaught of feelings and thoughts course through my being over the past few months. Last I was here I was trying to keep a Monster in Check. I'm not sure I ever truly succeeded with that, at least not 100% of the time. March 27. 3 days until the 31st. That day was only the beginning, the tip of the ice burg for change. A change that we have been through in many ways already but so different. So much bigger this time. An experience that has left all involved aged and ragged. As I recall the places these days took me emotionally I see a woman stronger then I thought I was-but because it was the only choice there was. I knew strength and faith would be the only things that I would find solid ground to anchor myself on but I did not realize the depth that I would need to go to pull from. Not because I couldn't find my strength but because strength from the depths is a stronger strength and this was the strength I needed. I know that as all of these thoughts and emotions that have been brought upon me are swirling around in my head at some point they will spill out in letters and words here on this blank, fresh, white, clean, orderly rectangle. Until then everything will jumble around in my head and my heart until it is ready to find its way out. ....and make some sense out of chaos.

Wisdom Gained

   
     Our past experiences both good and bad create who we are. The events that take place in our lives from conception to the present are the paths we have traveled for who we are right now. Some say letting go and shutting up the past is how you move on, leave the past behind. But why would you leave behind the very things that have molded you into the person you are today? Now I'm not saying dwell in the past or allow those experiences to define us. But acknowledging those experiences for how they have changed your outlook on life. Our perspective. Maybe this is that elusive wisdom that our elders seem so privy to. They have lived, made mistakes and allowed themselves to learn from those mistakes, making them wise. They didn't walk away from their past but allowed themselves to learn lessons from their past experiences. So we listen to the voice of our past, we recall experiences that conjure up pain and joy and that becomes our perspective. Our wisdom gained. Our inner strength to draw from.

Baby Steps

Strength Journals

The Well

     Our inner strength, that deep well of grit that we have come to depend on. There are times when I've had to dig deep into that well, times that I have scraped the bottom and come up with less grit then I felt I needed at the time. Sometimes I have felt like my well of strength is dried up, nothing left, that the only choice I had was to just hold on, to stay my position. My strength isn't really all used up, I've just lost sight of it. In the jumbled mess of my thoughts, my emotions, my anxiousness at what I am going through at that moment my focus on my inner strength becomes obscured. Time to step back, breathe, readjust my position. Plant my feet and square my shoulders. Regain my focus on that inner strength. Keep having the faith to move forward, even if it is just baby steps.

No White Flags

Strength Journals

Rest In Me

     This past week has had me looking back over the past two years that our little family has lived through. They have been two years full of constant adjustments and new challenges. Why these two years and not other years? These two years are growing years from a year that brought our family some of our greatest challenges. We realized that in spite of these seemingly insurmountable and overwhelming challenges how tremendously blessed we were. We continue to be tremendously blessed even though we meet new challenges. I remember back to the feelings of great despair, suffocating anxiety and the feeling of being lost in a dark sinking oblivion-not knowing what to do or what to think. Broken but knowing that none of these feelings were an option at that moment in time. I had to rise above. I had to breathe. I had to think. Here is when I found myself in the only place that made any sense. On my knees! The only place I could find that was quiet and secure for my jumbled messy thought filled brain and the only place I could find rest for my weary and heavy heart was prayer. I knew it was time for me to quit trying to carry all of this on my inadequate shoulders and instead lay all of this in the capable strong arms of my Jesus. He knew I had bared all I could at that moment and he was there ready to carry all of my jumbled mess, all I had to do was give it to Him. Release trying to control it all and lay it on Him. By faith. Faith that I didn't think I was capable of having......but when the time was right He showed me. I had finally become receptive to His quiet prodding- "Rest in me."

Worst Critic

             I am one tough cookie. Well, that is how my self critic would like me to be. My bar is set high and I except only the best from myself. Can I meet the standards I hold myself accountable for? I give it hell and my self critic puts me through it when I see myself falling short. As far as my self critic is concerned, falling short is a several-times-a-day event.                                                                                                                                                                                              Here is where I must remember that I am my own worst critic. I am harder on myself then anyone else is. I know I'm not alone here. With this in mind we must remember to see ourselves through non critical eyes. To allow ourselves to see our own beauty. To allow ourselves to shine and shine brightly. To be confident. To stand tall. Because that self critic has a way of beating one down, making one feel small. All of our past difficulties and triumphs have formed us and are the building blocks of our inner strength. We have more to experience and we will do so with grace and poise because we have the wisdom from our past to guide us in what life throws our way next. So the next time you see your reflection in the mirror, see your beauty, be confident and know that your inner strength is rooted deeply in your being. It's not going anywhere. It's always been there and always will be. Keep that self critic in check. Let yourself soar.

Why the Journals

     These journals are a place for me to lay down my thoughts in physical form. To gather inspiration, to place observations and store reflections. I needed a place to come to and reset my inner strength and adjust my confidence. To stave off the stress and curb the anxiety. A place to regroup. I fall strongly on my faith. For without it the well of inner strength that I draw from deep within me is shallow. There have been times when I have had to dig deep and I mean really deep. Until I found myself on my knees did I realize that the inner strength I needed then wasn't strength I could provide from my past experiences but a strength so big that the only way to find it was by faith. I never really looked at myself as having what it took to have that kind of faith. But faith it was and it was all I had. So while I draw inner strength from past experiences, it is my faith that fortifies me. Do I lose sight of my faith sometimes? You bet I do! Do I forget to use my inner strength or worse, where to find it? (Cause it's always there) Yep, I sure do! That is why I need the reset button. My reset button comes in many forms. Prayer, a mental pep talk, taking a step back and breathing. Throwing words at my sister who seems to always remind me of my song. The one that I forget, momentarily but still forget. And now these journals I will also use. I share these with who ever finds them useful. Who ever needs a reset button. Whom ever needs to be reminded of their song.