Grace Unfolding - Part Eleven

     The next 3 days that we were in the acute care wing of the hospital were busy and quiet days. Busy with physical therapy and resting. Lots of walking the halls and getting my husbands strength and balance back. Lots of naps from all the walking that exhausted my husband. Oh eating too. Getting back on solids again and giving his body fuel to burn. A good bye to our good nurse friend who was going off shift and then on vacation for two weeks. We didn't plan on being there when she got back. She didn't look forward to seeing us there either. Her trusted assistant and our friend was still there and made sure to visit a little bit each time he came to the room.
     Looking back on our days there I wondered why I encountered the people I did. A mother that I happened to ride in the elevator with one morning spoke to me. She told me all about her daughter who had just had a pretty serious surgery. That it was really hard for her daughter right now and her as well. I let her talk. After she finished I shared that I understood how difficult things could be. She told me she knew I did because we were both with our loved ones on the same floor. I then told her our only option right now is to be strong. To dig deep and find our strength from the depths of ourselves because that is what we needed right now as well as our loved ones. She affirmed that and thanked me for saying it. It was exactly what she needed hear.
     As I look back and go over my encounters and the events I realize none of it had anything to do with me personally. I was only a vessel. How things were handled, the quiet strength that others claimed they felt while in the company of myself and my husband, the encouraging words shared with strangers who were there doing the same thing I was.......it was all grace. Grace that had been prepared for me and given to me in perfect time. I had only to recognize it. Once I did, it didn't matter that I was speaking encouraging words even though I was going through my own challenges, or offering quiet strength for others to feel while I felt like I was running low because amidst those demands I had the quiet flutterings of reassurance, gentle grace and strength laid at my feet as my foundation to grow on. I just had to see it. I knew it now. I had to allow Grace to Unfold.

Grace Unfolding - Part Ten

     Trusting Him. Having active faith. Christ already has a plan for us and knows before we do what we will need and the perfect time that we need it. Grace has been prepared for us. We just have to accept it and take the time to know it.
     Day 5 in the hospital and 2nd day after the big surgery. Transfer papers from the ICU to the acute care wing in order. Patient prepared and moved to a transport bed. Our good byes to the wonderful nurses that cared for my husband in the ICU. The move up two floors and to the east wing of acute care involved literally stuffing the bed and people into the elevators and a maze of hallways and back entrances for moving patients though the hospital. Arrival to our room in the acute care unit was like a home coming. The two nurses and their assistants who had done such a big part of my husbands care for his prior surgery a few months before were there. Some coming on shift and others going off but all made it a point to stop by his newly assigned room. They were happy to see us but not under the circumstances. We had hugs all around and confirmations that the ones going off shift would be seeing my husband soon in the next days. Then it was our nurse who had become our friend and her assistant who had also become our friend left in the room with us. We visited and got caught up. I was relieved as well as my husband to know that we had these two to care for him for his first day in the acute care wing. We didn't have to tell our stories again about how my husband processed pain. They already knew and had witnessed it. They had seen my husband at his worst and helped me to process through it all. Kept me strong and bolstered my husband. We had prayed together, laughed together and cried together. We had become friends a few months before and now in their warm embrace and tender knowing care my husband was on the road to recovering again except this time it was with trusted friends. Grace had been prepared for us.

Grace Unfolding - Part Nine

     Afternoon of day 4 and 1st day after the big surgery I was back in my husbands ICU room visiting him. His surgeon came to check on him and gave us word that if things continued going as they had been my husband would be transferred to the acute care floor the next day. I confirmed that he would be transferred to the same wing that we had been to on our prior visits. After the surgeon left, my husband asked if I could find out if the nurse that had been such a great help to us before was still there. I had also been thinking the same thing and told my husband I would do some investigating to find out if she was still there. But I had to eat first. I was so hungry.
     As I was finishing my meal in the cafeteria I looked across from my table and saw a familiar face and wondered if he would recognize me. A nursing assistant who was also a very integral part in helping my husband heal a few months before from his prior surgery. I got up to clear my plate and then approached him. He did remember! He gave a big smile and put his hand out to hold mine. I told him we were back and just had surgery the day before. He asked if it was for the same thing and I replied that it was. Then I asked if our nurse was still there on the acute wing and he said that she was. We said good bye and then I took myself up to the acute care wing and sought out our nurse. I asked for her at the nurses station and they said they would call her. As she came down the hall it was like seeing an old friend. We hugged for a long while. She asked where my husband was and I told her he was in the ICU and would be coming to her the next day. She was sad that we were there again under the circumstances of surgery. I agreed of course. I asked her if we could request her as our nurse and she said yes but couldn't guarantee that she could be.
     Soon after I arrived back at my husbands room in the ICU. That evening the fellow of the surgeon was in for a visit and confirmed that we would be making the switch to the acute care wing in the morning. I mentioned to him the nurse that we would like to have and my husband gave him the history of why. The fellow couldn't guarantee it but noted it in the transfer papers and said the transfer would take place by mid morning. I allowed myself to sleep in the next morning until 630a.m. and went and had a light breakfast before going to my husband. When I arrived preparations were underway for the transfer. The fellow came in and said that everything was in order. Then turned to me and said "I went ahead and called to the nurses station and told them what nurse we wanted on your husbands case. It's all been handled." Just like that. Just like grace.
   

Grace Unfolding - Part Eight

     Day 4 in the hospital and the 1st day after the big surgery was quiet. This was good. My husband was resting with nurses in the ICU checking on him through out the day. This day our nurse was different. The nurse who specialized in pain management had worked with us over the 3 days she was my husbands nurse and we had come to an effective medicating schedule with meds that worked and intervals of administering them that kept my husbands pain in check. I spent a few hours with my husband in the morning but then left him to rest. I was in need of clean clothes. We had packed only for a few days. That was our expectation when we were preparing for my husbands appointment that then turned into hospital admission and then to a full 8 days in the hospital. I was on day 4 of  2 days worth of clothing. Lucky for me the Inn in the hospital had a washer and dryer available for guests.
     Back in our room at the Inn I had put together a load of laundry between my sons clothes and mine and the washer happened to be free so I quickly loaded our clothes and started the wash. When I went back to check the washers progress, there in the little laundry room was the woman I had encountered a few days before at the Inn desk. She had already transferred our clothes to the dryer. I said hello and thanked her. I looked at her and she seemed so on edge and stressed. I asked her how she was doing and she replied with an almost inaudible "okay." I responded "I know things are overwhelming for you. I understand completely. I can say that things will get better, stay strong. I am able tell you this because this isn't my first time here. I've done this before, twice." I told her a little about why we were there and then put my hand on her arm and looked her in the eye and told her "You've got this." She sighed heavily and quietly said "thank you." I turned and left the laundry room. Grace unfolding.

Grace Unfolding - Part Seven

     Surgery day.  My son and I arrived in my husbands room before the flourish of activity. We had a nice talk together and gave hugs and kisses. Then it was on. The surgeon stopped in for a pre surgery visit along with his fellow. We spoke briefly and then it was time for the surgery suite transport and anesthesia docs to do their thing. We met everyone and then they were off. Wheeling my husband from his room down to the surgery suite. Surgery was short in comparison to the others and by mid day we were all back in the ICU. Early that morning I had called my mom to let her know what was happening and by early afternoon she had landed at the airport and was at the hospital to help out. She and my son took care of getting her settled in her room at the hospitals Inn. Another stroke of grace. While I went back up to the ICU to be with my husband. Things went well.
     Day 4 in the hospital and day 1 after surgery. I arrived early that morning. My husband was still asleep so I sat quietly and drank my coffee while I watched the sunrise. During this time I started praying for miracles. Just that, "Lord we need miracles". Then I stopped. I had a prodding in my heart that stopped me. I realized I wasn't praying in the right way. I shouldn't be praying directively and telling what we needed but instead be praying for courage to have active faith because in having faith, I would have endurance to wait on Him to provide us with what He already knew that we needed. So that's what I did. This is when grace fell into the place that God had already prepared.

Grace Unfolding - Part Six

     Afternoon of day 2 in the hospital was mostly uneventful as hospital stays go, except for the hurricane like weather that was going on outside. Word came later in the afternoon that my husbands surgeon who was out of state at a conference would be coming in to see him as soon as he landed at the airport. The surgeon came straight away from the airport to the hospital to meet with us and arrived in my husbands room that evening to discuss with us the course of  treatment. Which happened to be surgery first thing the next morning. Surgery that early in the week isn't typical so the importance of the surgery was made quite clear. Readying my husband for surgery the next morning was the evenings plan. We met a young, sweet nursing assistant in the process. She asked if she could tell us something and we said absolutely. She said to us this: that the feeling that she got when she came in the room from us was so tremendous that she had to tell us what she felt. She said she felt a strength and calmness from us that she had not felt before. She felt good energy and didn't want to leave the serenity that she felt in the room. She told me she could feel my strength especially and a calming presence. I thanked her and she gave me a huge hug and came away with tears in her eyes. Grace. ( I had been told this before at my husbands first surgery by the surgeons physicians assistant. She had told me that she felt an enduring strength in us and a calm that was palpable.)
     It was time for me and my son to go back to our room at the hospitals Inn. Try to sleep. The next morning would be early and it was already very late in the evening.

Grace Unfolding - Part Five

     Finding grace. In the midst of a doctors appointment turned admission to the ICU and surgery for a lumbar drain, I broke away to see if I could secure a room at the Inn at the hospital. These are rooms set aside for families of patients having surgery who are from out of town. Rarely are there any rooms available. But this time there was! Grace unfolding.
     Day two in the hospital. My husband had the same nurse again. We were visited by the case nurse who happened to be the nurse assigned to him in the ICU from his surgery a few months back that helped to get my husband healing in a way that he was able to be transferred from the ICU to the acute care floor. We gave hugs all around and then she and my husband had a conversation about PTSD. She said that she needed to hear what they had said in their talk and felt blessed to have heard that from him. We also happened to be in the same room as the last time. Grace unfolding.
     I broke away once again about mid day to see if I could secure a room at the Inn again for that night. The day before there had been a cancellation for just that night. I was able to secure a room for the next 3 nights. Grace unfolding. In the midst of this there was a woman who was very stressed behind me at the reception window of the Inn, who was also trying to secure a room. She seemed so scared and so new to this experience. I knew exactly what she was feeling. I stopped and laid my hand on her arm and told her about another hotel (the one that I and my son had stayed at before). She mentioned she didn't have a car and I informed her that they catered to the families of patients and had a shuttle. Then I told her that I knew it didn't seem like it right now but things would work themselves out. Squeezed her arm, gave her a small smile and walked away to allow her to talk with the Inn keeper. Who had just had a cancellation and she was able to stay. Grace filled.

Grace Unfolding - Part Four

     8:00 a.m. appointment with surgeon had us leaving our hotel early in the morning. Beautiful sunrise. Not an hour into the appointment and we knew that our worst fears had been confirmed. Instead of being fearful as we had been before, we had a quiet acceptance of things to come. Our strength had been tested and won twice! We were familiar with this. All of it. This time instead of praying we laid everything in His hands. Not just me this time but my husband as well. We made faith an action word, instead of proclaiming that we had faith. Rather then returning home after the appointment as we had planned, my husband was admitted to the ICU during his appointment. A not too often occurrence. We had quite a few jaws drop as we walked into the ICU ward to check in at the nurses station. One doesn't typically walk into the ICU ward. My husband would be prepped for a lumbar drain surgery that would happen that afternoon to determine a course of treatment. After checking into the ICU and being assigned a bed we learned that the nurse assigned to my husband was mastering in pain management and had done extensive studying on pain receptors. My husband has a high pain tolerance, there by lacking the normal amount of pain receptors and resulting in a very difficult time in getting the point across to his care givers with how his pain progresses from tolerable to exploding in moments. This nurse was our blessing. Grace unfolding. By the first days end, the eyes of my heart began to see this grace. To recognize it. After this first day, grace was everywhere and I could see it. Then is when the change of my heart happened and I went from striving to be a woman of grace to being a grace filled woman. Not by any doing of my own but by the simple opening of my hearts eyes and Him.

Grace Unfolding - Part Three

     A season of change. Over the past three years I have changed tremendously. The way I think has changed, the way I process things, the ways I go about living day to day. We all have changed in this family. Two life changing sequences of events in a short 3 years has a way of doing that. There's more. Yes! Can you believe it? As if two numbing, all consuming, overwhelming, life changing surgeries weren't enough.
     End of summer and the crisp evening air that welcomes in the fall season. My favorite season. The colors, the smells, warm and cozy blankets and sweaters. Warming fires. Autumn. Autumn, along with the changing colors of the leaves brought in dreadful news for us. My husband agonized on that first true day of Autumn about how he was going to come home and tell me the news that he had. I knew as soon as he walked through the door that something was up. He told me we had an appointment with his surgeon at weeks end. I felt like I'd been physically punched in the stomach and had to get outside to breathe. Deep breaths of the crisp autumn air into my lungs, trying to hold on to some sort of rational thought. I shrank into a tiny coiled sitting position on the grass at the side of the house underneath the changing leaves of our oak tree. Not long after, my husband and son came to seek me out and we all came together in a family hug, crying together. Numb. Overwhelmed.
     My husband listens to sermons when he is going to sleep. That night in his long list of listened to sermons there was one in the middle not listened to. So he listened to it. It spoke of how, when in our most worst times it seems that Christ is distant and not there. But in fact these are the times when He is closest. Reminds me of the Footprints poem. That one set of footprints in the sand aren't yours but Christ's. He is carrying you. This was the beginning of unfolding grace. Only we didn't recognize it yet. We  moved throug the week making plans for the doctors appointment at the end of the week.

Grace Unfolding - Part Two

    Journey to grace. 2012 brought our family life saving surgery for my husband. An emergency surgery that unfolded within days and had us in a state of the art Institute with a team of doctors and nurses that saved his life. None of us had a chance to really think about anything before it all took place. It was a matter of digesting as we went. Never really being able to digest much of anything in the moment but more or less moving through what was placed before us. Numb, overwhelmed and consumed by everything that was taking place left me only one place to be and that was on my knees seeking shelter in prayer. Trying to find the comfort and reassurance I felt as a child. All the while trying to fortify my heart and mind against the knowledge of the truth, that things may not go the way I'd like. The only place I found the strength needed to keep moving forward was in prayer and faith.
     The surgery came and went and 2012 moved along into 2013 and then 2014 with lots of adjustments, learning and life changes but things were looking good for us. By the beginning of 2015 we had inklings that we may be up for the surgery again. But we had hopes that we were being over sensitive and a little paranoid. By the first signs of Spring it was confirmed. We would be repeating the surgery. Quick again. Except for 3 extra days this time before the surgery. These days were sheer hell. Too much time to think. But having done this once before we moved through the 3 days with as much poise as we could muster and bolstered each other and prayed a lot. This time, although the surgery was the same, everything was very different. Again life changing. Again on my knees finding shelter in prayer and strength in faith. Again fortifying my heart and mind. Again difficult but this time more consuming difficulties. Another surgery done. The days passed by and healing came slowly. Spring changed to summer .... still healing....seeking grace.

Grace Unfolding - Part One

     Grace. What is grace? No, not the grace that you say at the dinner table but true grace. Grace by definition is this: 1.) -the exercise of love, kindness or goodwill; disposition to love, benefit or serve another.  2.) -the divine favor toward man; the undeserved kindness or forgiveness of God; divine love or pardon.  3.) -Beauty, physical, intellectual or moral; easy elegance of manors; perfection of form.
     Grace is big. It holds so much in its definition but even more so when it becomes an action. The past month has given me a whole new perspective on grace and its true meaning in action. For myself, I strive to be a woman of grace. But it's more then that. It's not about being a woman of grace. It's about being a grace filled woman. No longer striving to be a woman of grace but allowing the grace of Christ to take root in me and allowing that grace to shine through. Living that grace daily, no matter what circumstances or challenges lay before me. This is what the events of the past month have shown me. How to recognize grace as it unfolds in front of you.
     Now the story of unfolding grace.
     Some history first. 2012 brought our family some life changing events. We met these events head on and moved through them making constant adjustments. By the end of 2014 things were looking good. The beginning of 2015 brought us signs that things might not be going our way and by the first signs of Spring 2015 we knew our family would be repeating the events we lived in 2012. Bringing us to the month of April and when my writings all but ceased. Until the past few weeks I have not felt any stirrings of thoughts able to be put into words. I've been quite messy in my head and heart until now. Unfolding Grace.............

Sense From Chaos

Blank page. Fresh and white. Rectangle in shape. Clean. Orderly and empty. I have been here many times to place my thoughts and formulate things. Try to make order from a chaotic thought process. More or less numb and raw from having an onslaught of feelings and thoughts course through my being over the past few months. Last I was here I was trying to keep a Monster in Check. I'm not sure I ever truly succeeded with that, at least not 100% of the time. March 27. 3 days until the 31st. That day was only the beginning, the tip of the ice burg for change. A change that we have been through in many ways already but so different. So much bigger this time. An experience that has left all involved aged and ragged. As I recall the places these days took me emotionally I see a woman stronger then I thought I was-but because it was the only choice there was. I knew strength and faith would be the only things that I would find solid ground to anchor myself on but I did not realize the depth that I would need to go to pull from. Not because I couldn't find my strength but because strength from the depths is a stronger strength and this was the strength I needed. I know that as all of these thoughts and emotions that have been brought upon me are swirling around in my head at some point they will spill out in letters and words here on this blank, fresh, white, clean, orderly rectangle. Until then everything will jumble around in my head and my heart until it is ready to find its way out. ....and make some sense out of chaos.

Keeping The Monster In Check

Fear.
Doubt.
Anxiety.
     Some of the most powerful and masterful thought processes that can possess us. So powerful that they take on a life of their own becoming a dark, raging, scary beast. Consuming us. Paralyzing our very being. Yet none of these: fear, doubt or anxiety are based on any solid foundation. They are built on what if's and the unknown. Each one feeding off of the other. Leaving us in an unsettled state that we can't shake off. With what little logical thoughts we are able to grasp on to we must remember that all of these fears creating heavy doubt and nearly unmanageable anxiety are in fact what if's. We don't know that any of the fears or doubts will happen or even come close to materializing. While it is so hard to rid ourselves of the anxiety we can manage it. Focus on the here and now and what needs to be done right now. Focus on what we know to be fact. We all have fears and doubts. It's finding the balance of how to keep our fears and doubts in check so we can see clearly what is in front of us. If we allow ourselves to focus on what if's, we manifest a distorted reality inside of ourselves that is not what our true reality is. It is up to us on how we decide to feed the monster. Do we allow the monster to grow? Or do we keep him in check and gain the upper hand? I'm for the upper hand. This is not an easy task but a very necessary one. Finding and keeping our balance is an ongoing challenge that I don't think anyone ever really masters. But something that we must continue to work at making adjustments as we go.

Strength Journals

A Woman of Grace

     What does it mean to be a woman of grace? Have you ever contemplated this before? Who is this woman?  A grace filled woman exudes a positive light where ever she goes, treats others honorably, gives of her time and self generously from her wealthy heart - no strings attached because she stands firm in her spirit, is dependable and loyal. A grace filled woman does not seek to draw attention to herself but rather directs attention towards others in hopes of seeing them shine brightly. She has a
quiet strength from which she draws from. Strength gathered from life's past experiences that have refined her heart. Sustaining her with knowledge gained to gently encourage others and give her a solid foundation to stand upon.

There's Only One

   

What do you see?

     You are an individual. Sure maybe you follow the crowd maybe you don't. But either way there is only one you. No one else is like you. We are each individual. The question is are you brave enough to indulge in you? Courageous enough to let yourself know yourself deeply? To be able to learn about what makes you tick, what makes your heart sing....are you ready for you? Each and every one of us is so much our own special being. For instance, how we perceive a photo. Each of us will interpret that photo differently. How it makes us feel, the colors that we see and our interpretation of the photo. If we have been given the same photo to paint or draw, what we end up with will be very different from the other because each one of us is individually our self. No two of us are the same. Revel in your uniqueness, get to know your individuality and don't be scared to live it! Only you can pull off the things you do because it's all you. Be an individual. Think your thoughts, see things in the ways that only you can see them. Don't try to blend in or be like everyone else. Allow yourself the freedom to be you, to find yourself, to know your heart and to SHINE!

A Mess?

     How do you see your life? Maybe the question should read more like how do you look at your life? Are you scrutinizing your every step, noticing every wrong turn or bad choice instead of allowing yourself the view from a distance? Why are you being so hard on yourself? Give yourself some room to breathe, room to move. No one and no life is perfect. Life does not go the way we have it pictured in our heads. It does not stick to our plan. Life has a life of its own. It is unpredictable. So instead of looking at our lives and seeing how out of wack we think they are in accordance to that idea we have in our head of how things are supposed to be...(that is only a rough draft for how we would like to see things go) make room for spontaneity. Don't be so serious, relax. Things will work out how they are meant to. Life is something we have no control of. We have control over how we choose to view our life. Our scattered messy-ness is proof that we are living life. Our chaos is evidence of perfection at work-a perfect, crazy, mess that is life full of living. Take it as it comes, do the best you can, breathe, smile and most of all enjoy this messy beautiful life.

Wisdom Gained

   
     Our past experiences both good and bad create who we are. The events that take place in our lives from conception to the present are the paths we have traveled for who we are right now. Some say letting go and shutting up the past is how you move on, leave the past behind. But why would you leave behind the very things that have molded you into the person you are today? Now I'm not saying dwell in the past or allow those experiences to define us. But acknowledging those experiences for how they have changed your outlook on life. Our perspective. Maybe this is that elusive wisdom that our elders seem so privy to. They have lived, made mistakes and allowed themselves to learn from those mistakes, making them wise. They didn't walk away from their past but allowed themselves to learn lessons from their past experiences. So we listen to the voice of our past, we recall experiences that conjure up pain and joy and that becomes our perspective. Our wisdom gained. Our inner strength to draw from.

Try and Stop Me

Uncovering Your Essence

     We all have that place that our soul feels free. Some already know where that place is others may not yet have found it. We start out with this knowledge as children but we don't realize what is then. Along the way as we grow up it gets lost in the busyness of becoming an adult. We must remember that familiar feeling and let it guide us to the place that allows our soul to be free. To be able to remember our essence. That imaginative, creative child that lived life through curiosity and saw magic in the world around them. Your essence is within you waiting to be found. Waiting to be uncovered and brought back to life. You may have already stumbled on your essence but don't realize it yet. It took me several years to finally put my finger on mine. All the while having this feeling that there was something waiting inside of me. When I finally had the "aha" moment it seemed so silly to me that it took so long to know something that I had within myself my whole life. Have the courage to know yourself, the courage to listen to your inner-voice and the faith to take the first step to freeing your soul and bringing your essence back to life.

Be Still

Strength Journals

Out of Your MInd

     Do you ever think too hard? To the point of making your head feel like it will explode with all of the thoughts you are thinking. More like the thoughts you are over thinking. That one thing you are thinking of starts out as a minor issue but by the time you are done thinking on it, its turned into one huge gnarled up knot of an issue. Or at least that's what you think. You've thought yourself into doubt, past handling the issue at hand with a confident thought. In fact you have thought so long and hard that you have thought yourself right out of seeing the goal and right into a bunch of obstacles stacked up by the doubt you brought on board a few thoughts ago. Quit! Just stop right there. No more evaluating the circumstance, no more thinking. Thinking about something until you over think it doesn't give you more control over it, it gives it control over you. Get out of your mind and leave things alone. Step away from your thoughts for awhile to allow yourself to see clearly again. Let the overwhelming deluge of doubt and insecurities - the OBSTACLES- that get a foot hold from over-thinking drain away, they will if you just give yourself half a chance by quieting that busy mind for a few moments and allow yourself to regain your sight on the original goal.  Have faith and believe that in you lies the passion that you need to continue with your pursuit. That by quieting your thoughts you are quieting your heart enough to allow faith to work!

You Are Strong

Strength Journals

Challenge

     Are we up for the challenge? Many times life it seems is one challenge after another. You make it through one challenge and then life hands you another one to slide right into the place of the challenge you just met. Your mind screams that you need a break! You think to yourself "I am not ready to take on this challenge!" Sometimes I for one feel like throwing myself on the ground and having a good old fashioned temper tantrum when life does this. I just don't feel up to yet another challenge. I am tired. Wrung out. Done. So now what? Life doesn't give us the choice of turning down the challenge. The only choice we have is how we meet that challenge and the next challenge and the challenge after that. Sometimes I square my shoulders and plant my feet so to speak and yet others I tackle by digging my heels in-or shall I say being stubborn and defiant to the challenge that lays before me. Every now and then it might be that I have to let out all of my strength in tear form and cry. Choose to meet your challenges. Remember that there is more then one way to meet those challenges and meeting them may take some strategy on your behalf because letting them get the best of you is not an option!

Baby Steps

Strength Journals

The Well

     Our inner strength, that deep well of grit that we have come to depend on. There are times when I've had to dig deep into that well, times that I have scraped the bottom and come up with less grit then I felt I needed at the time. Sometimes I have felt like my well of strength is dried up, nothing left, that the only choice I had was to just hold on, to stay my position. My strength isn't really all used up, I've just lost sight of it. In the jumbled mess of my thoughts, my emotions, my anxiousness at what I am going through at that moment my focus on my inner strength becomes obscured. Time to step back, breathe, readjust my position. Plant my feet and square my shoulders. Regain my focus on that inner strength. Keep having the faith to move forward, even if it is just baby steps.

Believe

As A Child

     Remember when you were little? As a child you believed. Believed in fairies, princess', leprechauns and all the other things that lived in your imagination. Sometimes your imagination went wild. When this was me, my mom gently steered me back to reality and then would show me the wonders of the world around me. The magic that was happening right in front of my nose in my own back yard. Did anyone ever have that scary something under the bed or in the closet in your bedroom at bedtime? I did and once more my imagination was running wild. Again there was my mom coaxing me back to reality. Assuring me that I was never alone. Sharing with me that I had someone special in my heart. All I had to do was believe and trust that He was there. He was Jesus. My Jesus. My strength and my courage to keep the scary monsters at bay and I wasn't alone. Wow! That was so awesome for me to think that in my head as a child. It is so easy to forget this as a grown up and my "grown up monsters" get the best of me. Here is when I need to go back to that place I knew as a child. Back to Him. Back to the place that faith is waiting for me.

No White Flags

Strength Journals

Rest In Me

     This past week has had me looking back over the past two years that our little family has lived through. They have been two years full of constant adjustments and new challenges. Why these two years and not other years? These two years are growing years from a year that brought our family some of our greatest challenges. We realized that in spite of these seemingly insurmountable and overwhelming challenges how tremendously blessed we were. We continue to be tremendously blessed even though we meet new challenges. I remember back to the feelings of great despair, suffocating anxiety and the feeling of being lost in a dark sinking oblivion-not knowing what to do or what to think. Broken but knowing that none of these feelings were an option at that moment in time. I had to rise above. I had to breathe. I had to think. Here is when I found myself in the only place that made any sense. On my knees! The only place I could find that was quiet and secure for my jumbled messy thought filled brain and the only place I could find rest for my weary and heavy heart was prayer. I knew it was time for me to quit trying to carry all of this on my inadequate shoulders and instead lay all of this in the capable strong arms of my Jesus. He knew I had bared all I could at that moment and he was there ready to carry all of my jumbled mess, all I had to do was give it to Him. Release trying to control it all and lay it on Him. By faith. Faith that I didn't think I was capable of having......but when the time was right He showed me. I had finally become receptive to His quiet prodding- "Rest in me."

Don't Be Afraid

Wildflowers

     Have you ever noticed wildflowers before? Really noticed them. These are some of the most intricate beautiful flowers I have ever seen. Their details are absolutely amazing. The many colors and neat little folds and shape of the petals and their leaves. Have you noticed that they grow just about anywhere? Wide open meadows, rock crevices, up from under fallen trees and right along side the road. Sometimes you can find them popping up in the yard and flower beds and even in the veggie garden. These wildflowers grow where ever their seeds have landed. They have no qualms about soil or fertilizer or quantity of water. They grow strong and hearty where they are. Maybe we should take our cue from the wildflowers. We each have our own individual beauty and should let ourselves grow no matter what the circumstances are at the moment or time. Take hold of our circumstances and against all odds find a way to shine. There is no instruction or list to follow, only finding creative ways to grow in what life hands us.

Shine!

Let's Fly

     2015. At the start of this first full week of the new year it is time to close the book on our old journies and start a new. Begin with a new thought process and new mind set. For me it's the beginning of new adventures. Jumping in with both feet into an adventure that has been on my heart for several years. Am I scared? Yes. But also excited to see where this will take me.  There is always those darned what if's looming out there but if I don't try I will never know and I need to know. This is my time, my window, my choice to take the chance. I have no clue how things will work out and will be flying by the seat of my pants but isn't that how life is? We never really know what life will give us. A bunch of choices and chances that we make or don't make all while flying by the seat of our pants. Giving it our best shot and reacting to the events that take place. Our choice on how we choose to react. One of my favorite quotes comes to mind by Erin Hanson .."What if I fall?..Oh but darling what if you fly?" I love this quote. You don't know if you will fall or fly until you try. So as we enter into this new year and look ahead into what might lay ahead of us, plan on flying. I do.